The Bully in the Bedroom

Yesterday, I was at a meeting and had the fortune of hearing a father tell a great story about his daughter.

It had to do with being a victim, the flip-side of bullying.

She is a junior in high school. Since the beginning of the year, she had been bullied by a fellow classmate. Classic emotional abuse. For three months, the daughter came home and told her father about the cruel taunts this boy delivered practically on a daily basis.

Her father listened and provided advice but the cruelty continued as the crippling emotional toll escalated in his daughter.

Last week, after listening to her tell another story, he took her hands and said, "What I am about to say to you, you are not going to like. But I say it because I love you. How long are you going to continue to play the victim? How much more are you going to take before you stand-up to him and speak your truth? There are things you can do and say that will stop this. I support and encourage you to take this kind of action."

Three days passed, and then he got a phone call. It was his daughter calling him from the school bus, telling him she stood up to the boy, and it worked.

Seems in the middle of class, with 30 students as her witness, after listening to his jeers being whispered at her from behind her, she stood up and let him have it. The teacher rushed over. Hearing what was going on and what had been going on, the boy was escorted to the principal's office where he was placed on "red alert". Apparently, the student had several offenses already, and since the school is taking a very proactive stance on the issue, the student is finally being faced with consequences.

*****

With so much focus on bullying in the classroom, I have wondered when the news is going to focus on the bullying that happens at home. Here was a perfect example of how a parent didn't perpetuate bullying or victimization.

Having been raised in a physically and emotionally violent household, I experienced first hand the tacit condoning of behavior that in a very simple way can be viewed as parental bullying. Friends and family alike turned a blind-eye when they witnessed the abuse. When I went to friends, my school and my family for help, I was often told not to speak about my mother that way as she was a well-respected business person in the community.

A respected business person isn't necessarily a well-equipped parent.

One form of socially accepted "bullying" is sibling bullying. How many times through the millenia have parents condoned the aggression of one sibling towards another? Parents, for the most part, make excuses saying, "Oh, that's just what siblings do." Family and friends laugh it off, in essence justifying the aggressive behavior of the perpetrator and the wounded behavior of the victim.

In the case of children who witness domestic violence, often the perpetrator is kind to the children. This sends a very confusing message to the children but in essence teaches the children to keep quiet. "Daddy is nice to us. He plays with us. He is a nice man. If only mommy wouldn't make him mad, he would be nicer to her too."

This also teaches children to make friends with bullies at school or to at least keep quiet when they see bullies acting out at school. Among other things, it teaches them to walk away and keep the silence.

Granted, all too often when a child tries to intervene on behalf of a sibling or a parent when there is violence in the house, he or she is wounded.

But when the abused parent laughs off the abuse, or doesn't at least tell the children that what they are witnessing is wrong, the victim parent sends a message to the children saying what they are witnessing is o.k. Is acceptable. Is in fact, normal.

Unfortunately, when family dynamics are looked at closely, subtle bullying is very acceptable, like in the case of siblings who fight all the time. This kind of bullying is often perpetuated by the inappropriate aggression of one sibling towards the other/s.

It is easy to point fingers at the obvious transgressions of adults and children who are physically violent. It is not so easy to look at and shift the dynamics at home where, in truth, bullying starts and victims are refined in and with silence.

Unfortunately, finding excuses for behavior is easy. Parents teach their children to accept excuses when they say, "Daddy had a hard day that is why he is not present, that is why he is not kind. Let's be extra good today." "Mommy had a hard day. She is not able to play with you right now." The list goes on.

How often do we make excuses for ourselves when we fall short of our own goals?

Excuses have become intrinsic to our coping skills. And we pass this on to our children in so many obvious, but more importantly, subtle ways.

I believe each of us has reasons that drive our actions in any given moment but never should they be used as excuses for avoiding consequences. So many parents role model this for their children. Parents might be held accountable for their actions at work but when it comes to their children, each of us at one time or another feed our children excuses to justify why we can not or will not do something.

Children then learn to take excuses. Children learn to let a person be mean to them because it can always be said, "Hey, little Joey gets hit at home. That is why he is mean at school. We need to be nicer to little Joey."

Yes...and no.

I have heard parents brag that their children were friends with the bully at school. "I am so proud of my son. He had the ability to make friends with the kids that no one else would friend at school."

Yes...and no.

I believe each of us deserves compassion and understanding but never at the avoidance of consequences. I have watched families be ripped apart by the cruel actions of parents who never were held accountable for their actions. Yes, mom and dad deserve empathy but when mom or dad step out of line, they need to be held accountable.

Why?

Because being held responsible teaches our children that accountability isn't terrible. Appropriate consequences are actually good. They are necessary. It teaches "victims" that they do not have to be victims, that it is safe and necessary to speak up. And it teaches the "perpetrators" that by changing their actions they can actually enjoy friendships that are not based in intimidation.

There is a saying, "Say what you mean without being mean."

It is possible to stand up to a bully without being a bully.

That kind of action comes from dignity and self-respect.

Dignity and self-respect are taught at home.

Dignity and self-respect are taught by parents who are willing to be honest about how they are feeling, who are willing to take responsible action, who talk to their children about hardships, who validate their children's emotional and physical experiences, and who give sound, viable advice and who actually role model that in their lives.

Indeed, the bully and the victims in the classroom are relevant and need our attention, but because of society's tacit agreement to turn a blind eye to our own actions at home, the bully and the victims in the bedroom are who I am most worried about.