It's a Perfect Wonder

Seems lately I'm in a constant of wonder.
And I wonder if "wonder" is the same as "wondering"?
And I wonder if "wonder" is the same as bewilderment?

There is so much I thought I knew at one time in my life.
For instance, as a teenager until my late 30's, I was certain I was cool. Now as a parent, I sincerely doubt it.

And I wonder if it really matters at all...to be cool that is...
and I wonder what, if anything, really matters?

I think apologies matter.
Real apologies. Apologies where I see that I have obviously hurt someone's feelings, and I can apologize, sincerely.
I think it matters not if someone accepts my apology.
I used to think otherwise. I used to worry and fret and bend over backwards to "prove" to people just how sorry I was for whatever it is I did or might have done or might have been perceived as doing.
Now, I only hope my apologies are accepted...the rest is not my work.
My work is to accept my own apology, to ascertain my own sincerity and not worry about whether or not the world believes I am sincere.

There are days when my son and I get along marvelously; this does not mean there is no hardship. The days we get along marvelously are very much inclusive of apologies. He'll say to me: "Momma, that hurt my feelings." And I will hear him, and I apologize, eyes steady, hug at the ready. He believes me and we move on. I do my best to remember not to repeat that thing. Sometimes I succeed; sometimes I do not.

There are moments when he apologizes for his random acts of independence that might accidentally hurt me physically, or are borderline "socially acceptable", and so after a talk or sharp correction, he apologizes, and we move on.

It's fluid. It's like an emotional and psychological check-and-balance system that begins the pattern of how to relate to the world.

As I encounter the world and watch him interface with others, I see not everyone works that way. It breaks my heart when I see him encounter a child who has no idea how to apologize. I find myself at times thinking "why do I bother?" especially when having to deal all too often with adults who have no concept of apologies and their importance, their subtle and great impact on the heart, the soul, the world.

There have been times in my life when I have not offered an apology, when I've held onto pride and justification. It never feels good.

So when I watch my son and I dance the dance of relating to each other and I know these are the moments that will color his expectations of how the world operates.

I don't know how the world operates. And I don't want to pretend to know, and pass on to my son something that I pretend to know.

The only thing I do know is that the world is a place of wonder, and when it doesn't go the way we were "taught", then wonder at it. We judge because we are human...but that is not all we do. We can wonder as well....